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.archives main page. .september 2000. .august 2000.
i have a poll up on the message board regarding these stupid things i scanned up. i guess for now, they're just ideas for a logo. there's four.. so uh vote for your favorite.. or the least shitty one. thanks..
um i really need to redo the internals of the site.. there's too many files under one huge directory and it's starting to drive me insane. that's it for now, i'm gonna be doing some internal work.. take kares!
September 29, 2000
okay i've done a shitload of work on this today.. but most of it you won't notice. hehe.. anyway. having a horrid day. i may explain later, i may not. never know.
Uhm okay so i don't feel like explaining right now..... it's 8pm and i'm feeling shitty. Ehhhh oh i wanna say.... HIIIIIIIYAAAAAAA IIRRRVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV! ^_^ *splash* grr *jealous* ok *huggz muwah* i love you miss you and study hard. Tell me when you're not in school, we'll go get boba heehee!
September 28, 2000
aw man i haven't updated in a long time.
we're going to play a game.. hehe ..i just got done with the matrix.. n start posting ok? here's the game- predict the sequel. yes i'm bored. So far, keanu reeves has agreed for a contract to star in Matrix 2 and 3 as long as his band, dogstar, gets full rights for the soundtracks to both. good idea, bad idea, i don't know. i've never heard his band's stuff. Anyway, there's a rumor that Jet Li will star in it as well. So here's how it works. You tell me what you think will happen in Matrix 2. Whether it's storyline or who's going to be in it, or whatever. Simple, yes? be as detailed as possible, n give examples from the matrix as to how you came up with your predictions. here's mine.
1. keanu reeves is *not* the one. Here's my reasoning. First, if he really IS the one, making a trilogy out of the matrix would be pretty shitty. for us to watch him kick all ass left and right wouldn't be logical. Second, the oracle said so. The oracle told the chick the truth, as well as everyone else. so, neo can't be the one. oh yeah. Morpheus is gonna die in #2. so she'd have been right about neo choosing. but before he dies, he'll find 'the one' ..the REAL one. I'm thinking it would be really kewl if neo pulls a darth vader styles n uses the matrix to be mistare evil. But anyway, i seriously doubt neo is the one, everything is just a huge coincidence for now. Lastly, because at the end of Matrix, he's unsure. he says he doesn't know how it's going to end.. anyway, if he was "the one" he could just whoosh the entire story right there.
2. Morpheus: Dead in sequel. Because the oracle said so. Either Morpheus or Neo will die, and it's up to Neo who dies. Well, after the Matrix, neo is convinced he's the one. So, next battle, neo will choose to live and morpheus will perish. side thought- wouldn't it be nuts if the spoon boy was 'the one' and they got lil 6th sense boy to play the role? hehehe.. anyway. also toward the end when the sentinels were sent out and neo was "dead", morpheus had this look, like- uh. maybe..he's not the one after all... the oracle was pretty convincing about neo not being the one.. "not you, not even i could convince him otherwise.. he believes it so blindly.." ..meaning GGPO Morpheus in #2!
3. #2 will involve more of the ship, and others. n possibly Zion. i mean, we didn't see another ship yet, but they've mentioned one. And, they're down to ONE 'real' human. Plus, since they've got Neo, why would they search and recruit more imperfect neos, why not just round up the already-freed minds? Besides, Morpheus' ship is pretty fucked up from the damage it received at the end of the first. =p
4. Trinity will dump Neo. Why? Cuz he's not the one. Besides, what fun is a movie without a conniving bitch? ok so maybe i'm just running out of ideas. either way, it's your turn. get the ball rollin'!! ya.. i'm just way too bored huh? ya tell me how dumb my ideas are or whatever, have fun!!
NEXT! HA! I FOUND SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME THAT LIKED STIGMATA! The rest of you just suck! :P Stigmata with the alternate ending owns all of you! Ya cinnamin?! You've gotta see it.. subtle 5th kicks all ass! okay, now i need to find someone that liked phenomenon and city of angels.. i don't think that'll happen though....
Okie i lost my cd with ERA on it. i can't listen to era when i want to fall asleep and it's ruining everything! But i do get to hear super highway's superlong superleet coolmix, though, but it doesn't really make up for era. i'm trying to find a decend cd ripper so i could upload another mp3.. on dialup...........rite. but oh well.
I'm thinking about archiving the updates, it seems to lag now. especially on dialup. and yeah, i'm in desperate need of graphics and dedication. i really don't have a firm grasp on html yet, and i haven't been in the mood to do much about the appearance of the site. i realize that the text is harsh on the eyes, being so light against black backround. i might change it, really depends on my mood though. i need the links section running, and type up some reviews that have been sitting around forevers.
Man. My cell got disconnected on thusday. it feels weird not having that luxury. Blah. oh wells.
I realized how much easier it is to be evil than it is to be sweet and kind. recently i've been allowing this evil side out a lot more often. Usually, i would approach conflict calmly, and try to resolve things. for the past week, i've been smartassing, making evil remarks and comments, and unwilling to resolve jack shit. read my rant post on candy ass ravers for an example. anyway, proving to people that i'm not going to take their shit is one thing, but not in a constructive way.....it's all too simple to be evil and hurt people's feelings. i know how bad this sounds, but holy shit! it makes adrenaline rush through me when i anticipate for the intended party's response or reaction, or whatever. i should stop being so mean, it's going to get me in shyt sooner or later, and more or less, i guess you could say i like avoiding conflict. i don't want to really elaborate on this too much, not rite now. hehehe i guess i'll go update later..
September 23, 2000
i didn't know that they delete mp3's off my directory, hmph! Era so here's the zip of era. just use winzip to extract it into a mp3 file n den you can listen to it, yay!
September 22, 2000
I'm about to go to dreamland. Damn my new pens are leet. Ko, it's all your fault for selling them to me! Anyway, just wanted to say i had a great day. Went down to OC again, n got to see Randal again, which is always crazy sweet since i only see randal like once every 50 years.. ok so like once a month.. but ya it was fun. Anyway, PiChu n I came to a conclusion. September is shitty month of 2k. Everyone seems to be having a crappy month or something. Rite andy? Anyway, Matt is having a blast at AMOA- Dammit, i should have gone up there!! It sounds like they're raising hell, as expected. DDR NEWS: DdR US MIX has 26 stages.. with NO exclusive US songs. No 4th mix songs, and no unison, no battle. It's not basic/trick/maniac. Instead, there's beginner/standard/difficult/expert. The arrows are vivid, and all catastrophics are from 3rd mix. Release date is sometime in October. Anyway, there's internet ranking, whee! That would be interesting if i rank.. hehe.. Anyway, i'm really sleepy, and dreams await. Nite nite, world..
September 20, 2000
First order of business today- chupas feel batter! =( Me caught a cold today and it sux0rs.. i hope you get well soon, okay? ok.
Today was a gorgeous day- i was actually awake during daylight, amazing huh? anyway.. four people have asked about the family story.. whether it's for real, how it's affected me, if it bothers me, etc etc etc. okie, well #1 yes it's 100% true. i did leave out some parts, and i didn't write about a lot of the stuff. i didn't write about the time frame of after my dad left and we were at the neighbor's house.. and the time after when my dad was released from jail.
well, when he was being released, my mom freaked. we woke up at 5am and fled. we ended up in cerritos for a month at her friend's house, then when he found out, we fled again. to a safe house or some shyt. it was a place for battered wives and their children. that place sucked ass for real. it was like a college dorm setup in a way.. tiny rooms with shitty locks, a shared restroom, and a central kitchen. anyway, every other day i'd have to go to counseling. n my "counselor" indirectly blamed me for everything. well, it WAS on my birthday, right? anyway, my self esteem hit rock bottom and i pretty much stopped talking altogether, except to say a few words here and there to my brother. counseling sessions became staring contests, and soon i was put on suicide watch, they took away everything.. all electrical power, cords, my cd player, pencils, markers, shoelaces, everything. anyway after two weeks of that i went to the hospital for a tuberculosis test, which is required to enter any new school district. my brother did it. i didn't. i'm deathly afraid of needles.. i can't even take a simple blood test. anyway, i knocked out a nurse after two hours of pestering me, n then they were like.. *forget it* ...so i didn't go to school for a year. i almost got held back but i took a equivalency test or something, and they let me go on to 8th grade. anyway, my mom tried to send me to counseling once we got back home, but after the first one i didn't ever want to go back.
the most painful part, though, was how nobody looked at our family the same ever again after that night. it was like, we were a plague to be avoided at all costs. living in a neighborhood with lots of kids my age, words got twisted, stories were told.. there's one particular girl that talked shit nonstop. i was really passive and introverted because of my family life. i remember one day she walked up to me and asked, "so how's the fucked up family? is your dad still beating the shit out of your mom? at least my family is normal.." i started to cry cuz there were like 20 people around her. then i was so mad.. that i grew some guts, and told her "wtf, your parents didn't want your sorry ass so you live with distant relatives.. and even THEY won't adopt your reject ass.. before you talk shit on other peoples' inperfections, work on yourself.." anyway.. that pissed her off.. and she tormented me all throughout high school, just.. she did it behind my back after that incident, and never talked to me again. i bet she still does.. but it doesn't matter.. she's a nobody that i care nothing about. just wanted to point out that people can be cruel.
i guess that's part of #2. ...it affected me quite a bit. i started to keep to myself a lot more, i didn't share my thoughts or feelings much with anyone, just the casual hello and goodbye. i absorbed myself in music. i became more or less of a band freak. anyway, after i wrote that paper freshman year, my teacher sent me to the school psych's office, so i ended up there every monday, and like before, they were staring contests. My h.s. counselor thought i was crazy because i would sit there for three hours without talking. hey at least i got out of class.. anyway, after a month of that, i remember i met a girl crying. she had gone through a lot of shit, but she wasn't afraid to share it with me & with the counselor. her dad had shot her brother and mother, killed both.. while she was out at a party. and she was all alone, with no immediate family, since her dad was serving life in prison. she had just turned 18, though, so the government didn't help her at all. just a senior in high school, by herself. my counselor told her it wasn't her fault, and damn.. that girl.. was strong. she was like.. saying how she's going to graduate, and find a way to get through college, so she can better her life because that is what her mom would have wanted, and all that stuff.. anyway, that's when i opened up too. because i knew then, that it wasn't my fault. anyway i ended up at this thing called "life" - some group counseling deal.. i realized how lucky i was compared to some other kids.. i mean, some of them actually had nobody. their parents were drug addicts, irresponsible, etc etc etc. i mean, i didn't feel too bad for the ones whining about having a kid at 14 or stuff like that.. yeah, sucks for them, but that's the price you pay, grow up if you want to act like a grown up, rite? i don't give a shyt what anybody says, you do not have sex at 14. at 14, you're not even mentally capable of loving someone at that level.. you haven't even learned to love and respect yourself as a human being.. anyway, there was this one girl that really got to me. she was a mexican girl, smart, we were both in the same history class and we were both in cheer together. her dad used to beat her mom, and once her mom got sick of it, she had an affair with some guy and took off. left her and her two younger brothers with the dad. Well, he started beating her up.. Good God, it wasn't really the same scenario here, but it was similar, n it scared the shit out of me. Once i started going to these counseling sessions, i started to feel better about myself as a person, and i figured out that whatever happened between my parents really had nothing to do with me.
One thing that did bother me was how everyone thought i had the perfect life. "Oh you and your brother get along so well.." "oh, you get such good grades, n you seem happy all the time.." "oh.. you seem to have everything you could ever want, i wish i was as lucky as you.." Damn, it made me think about how much people take for granted. Siblings? Shit, you never know when your last day will be. shit happens in this crappy world. I just intend to spend that time with people that mean the world to me, and my brother is first on that list. Grades. Bah! I studied SO hard (until depression hit my sophomore year and my gpa dropped from 4.2 to 2.4), n as far as being happy went, i was happy each day that i didn't argue with my dad, who acquired custody of both my brother and me my 8th grade year. As far as having what i wanted, what did i have? Besides a great brother, a great best friend (thanks irv..), and a cell? Dude, i've worked since 7th grade tutoring math and english. i had a cell because of my extra curricular activities, and work. Plus i had to be mom figure at home with cooking and cleaning. i didn't have that much, but shyt, i made the best of whatever i had, n i shared everything i ever had with people i care about. That's why i was happy. That's what keeps me sane, Seeing my friends smile.. I really believe it's the thought that counts. SO I'M EASY TO PLEASE, SUE ME!! Anyway, i credit it all to whatever happened at home. I really think i would be a completely different person if my family life were different.. I don't regret my life. I love being me. And as much as i know i get stomped over a lot by being nice and trusting, i don't think i'd ever change. I'll always be rather passive, submissive.. and i'll be the one daydreaming about floating through the clouds. i'll be the one listening when you need me, and i'll be the wallflower at that party. heehee. That answers Question #3. it doesn't bother me at all.. if anyone wants to talk about the past, i'm totally comfy with it, so you can ask.
September 18, 2000
Good lord. i had some fun up at UZ yesterday, mostly standing outside talking to Alice & Govern, n chillin' with Matt, Axe, n Godden. Anyway, bad news. We've got a reason to be really careful up at UZ now, Tammy was taking out the trash, and this mexican guy followed her to the bins and grabbed her arm. she flung her arms and ran back toward the store, and she turned around to see if he was chasing her. he had his pants down n junk. uhh.. wtf? in monterey park, an attempted rape? tammy? poor tammy! anyway i'm glad it didn't go any further, but shit.. it's kinda scary..
Okiedokie, i've got some cute stuff up. Thanks to StarfishKisses, i've got graphics! YAY!
KYUUUUUUUUTIE! heehee.. anyway i downloaded photoshop, n i started trying to edit a picture for a shirt. i'm not too good at this...
back..
front..
well that's all for now. =) bye.
September 17, 2000
Damn, today kinda scared me. i updated, mentioning my most recent heartbreak yesterday rite? ..he lives 6+ hours away, yet i saw him last night.. WTF? is that some sort of sick coincidence, or uhh.. is some divine being seriously hating me right now? anyway, i felt heartbroken all over again, just turning around and seeing him there. i couldn't bring myself to talk to him much, i just answered a few questions he asked and that was about it. it was a stinging feeling way down at the pit of my stomach. owch. i know i'm over him, just the thoughts of me feeling safe , happy, secure.. ack i'm so damn weak for real. someone shoot me.
Anyway, the cutest scene ran through my mind when i saw him though, it was the memory of me playing CM2 for the first time up in nor cal. He was dancing along to the stage i was playing, with JR. i forgot what it was called, but it was the cutest thing i saw him do. hehe.
Yesterday was a great day even though i didn't get to go to Magic Mountain. I ended up going to the LA County Fair with my dad, my brother and his GF. it was a lot of fun, seriously. we hadn't all gone out and had fun together like this in a very long time. i'm glad i went. it was great seeing my dad smile for real. leo went rock climbing after lunch, n i had some alcohol so i guess it was some sort of excuse for me not to go. he called me chikken. so.. i'll go next time- if i wear shoes with grip and i'm not under deh influence. hehe nice excuse huh.
September 16, 2000
..Damn, i'm SO lucky..
can you imagine your life without friends? i can't. i know there are lots of people out there who have no true friends, and to know that i have people that care about me, damn.. i feel so lucky. i know i had a pretty rough summer, but i've met so many great people, many of whom i've grown to trust and love. out of say, 10, only one ended up shitty.com... read a previous update for that rantfest, hehe.
well, summer's come to an end prety much, and everyone's back in school or have more of a full schedule on them. the less i see of everyone, the more sentimental i get. so here it is. thanks to everyone for sticking by me and being so supportive of me. my stupid heartbreak, my shitty days, my depression days, everything. i really mean it. thanks. ^_^
i have a new fwend! ^_^;; yep, free coffee & emiril skills up in this bitch! for real, it's weird. i met chupas last week through my ho Geno, n like shyt, eversince then, we never stop talking cuz there's always something interesting to talk about. so i adopted him as my new ho. yay! anyhoo, even though i've been having a supershitty september, he's been able to cheer me up, so special thanks for teh chupas. it's like i'm pimpin on my long lost bro or something. heehee! corruption! ^^;;
so let's see what else happened this year.. oh a real huge heartbreak.. that was shitty. it was the first time since '98 that i've fallen so hard.. we'd spend countless hours talking about nothing. i felt so safe with him.. like nothing could go wrong when we were together.. i'd fall asleep every night hoping we'd share our dreams together so we would never be apart.. damn he had my heart in his hands for real. the heart is more precious and fragile than anybody would ever think.. one day he let go and whoa.. my heart shattered. i didn't expect to be so affected by it.. but damn.. it fawked me up real bad. (remember that chaz?) i never wanted to go through that again- but then now that i'm in a sentimental mood, i really miss that special feeling- i guess there are great risks that go along with relationships.. with great happiness you need to be prepared for an even greater pain.. i don't know if i'm ready to risk that again, but I MISS IT.
September 15, 2000
Okay, so here's how i'm feeling today. I feel like i'm lost. sitting in some sort of dark room. it's just me and the darkness.. me, listening to the quiet. i'm somehow content because the darkness doesn't criticize me, it doesn't hurt me. i think i'm getting way too used to being alone. people scare me- when i see people i don't know whether or not they can be trusted.. when i see my friends i put on a smile so they won't ask questions.. i realize how empty my heart has become, and i seriously feel like there's no reason for me to heal. why should i? it's just going to be broken again. no matter how high you build the walls around your heart, someone will come along and tear them down. that's how it works. so this time, i say fuck the walls. i'm leaving the bricks on the floor.. n let everyone trip over them. HA! take that. i've been too sensitive i think.. sensitive to everyone else's needs and what everyone else wants. then i decide, shyt, no more. it's going to be about me.. and then i ask myself what i want. back to square one. i don't even know what I want. i'd rather see everyone else happy. sure, i want an Audi S4. Sure, i want a collection of totoros and tarepandas everywhere. sure i want all sorts of shyt but i'm talking happiness.. what makes MEEEEEEE happy. inside. there hasn't been much lately that makes me smile, besides seeing my friends smile. but that hasn't been happening lately either. it's like everyone's on shit row n i'm in front. nobody seems to be having a very enjoyable september.. anyway, since i can't even figure out 5 things that make me happy, help me out. what makes YOU happy? post up. Yeah shameless plug for the sad excuse of a message board, but.. hey whatever works right?
i wanted to put up another song to download but um, i can't encode it to MP3. shitty. so when i finally encode and successfully upload from my dialup connection from aohell, it'll be up in a jiffer. it's like.. my theme song or something. if you'd like to search for it, it's called save me from being alone by Jocelyn Enriquez. it's SWEET for real.
I'm going to go jobhunting today. heehee.. i want to work in a florist, so i printed up a list of flower shops to invade. flowers are dope. ^_^ n if i don't get hired by next weekend, i'm going to go nuts. i'm considering taking on 2 jobs, one simple florist deal and one grave shift data entry deal or something. i can't sleep anyway, why not cash out on it rite? more work, less staying at home. sure i'll hate being around weird people but oh well. okay i'm officially rambling. i'll stop. oh yeah.. i'll have the links section up soon, hopefully this weekend or something... ok take cares..
September 14, 2000
okay, a quick one since i'm getting yelled at already.. okay so last nite was crap. for reals. okay, so my house is going to be sold. so my dad wants to move like hella soon n i'm not quite ready to move up to norcal yet. waiting lists for apartments suck ass for real. Basically he's saying i better hurry n get my shit together cuz he doesn't want extra baggage when he gets a new place. oh well. usually i'd brush off shit like that easily, no problem. because i understand that at 21 i should be independent anyway. just the way he said it.. i made me feel really crappy. i felt the need to escape so i ran out to UZ, played zero games, but had everything booted out of my head for a while. i guess that's it for now, i'm being booted off my pyuter. oh yeah here's a pic i drew of me being angarey n playing IIDX, then getting stuck on ERA so i'm just sitting there liek confused styles. Chupas added in a lilbrat Genocyde giving the rabbitearz.
September 13, 2000
i realize that the updates haven't been very happy.. sorry. anyhoo.. here's another downer for ya. i'm supposed to be moving to northern california, to more or less start my independent life. The past few months have been really painful, to say the least. All summer, i've been distancing myself from my friends- the ones that have been there for me since way back when. i'm thinking that it's a subconcious defense mechanism kicking in- i'm realizing that since i will hardly ever see them once i move, i better get used to the idea of not seeing them at all. i've hardly seen ren, irv, robert, cat, or kirk all summer long- mostly my own fault. and now that they've all gone back to school or something, i wouldn't be able to see them even if i wanted to. it feels like i've built up this really fucked up wall that just blocks everyone out. i'm such an idiot. it's like i'm screwing up friendships that have been built up on hella years & history.. i have no real idea why- only a speculation about my pending relocation. ok, enough..
download this now. Era Currently my favorite song.. every time i hear this song, it makes me feel like i could fly. like anything is possible for real. especially like- midway into the song.. (IIDX players would know exactly what part i'm talking about.. when everything stops then there's the one TT & the speed changes to slow..) i don't know- the song makes me feel like i'm floating on a cloud or something, and it makes me happy. ^_^
hehehe i wanted to post up some art. i'm looking for artists to make animated gifs for the site, and at UZ, some regulars took my notebook hostage and started drawing. ^^;;
geno's 1337 chango star- i don't know who's head he just hacked off. >_<;;
myo's psychotic star.
myo's star playing ddr-Grab the bar ktown style.. as well as some sketches. they're hella good yah? ^_^
about the appearance of the site-
oh goody, 23 hits! i'm honestly surprised. 9 unique visitors.. even better. that's not too bad for such a boring place. i'm really trying to improve the way it looks, honest! i've got an idea, but it involves *gasp* flash. and i don't know how i'm going to pull it off...wish me luck tho.
September 11, 2000
interesting day today- woke up at 5pm, took a shower, find that everyone seems to be having a shitty.com day, go to UZ. well, it was an interesting night though, alice and i went to starbucks, wehre we saw a sabishii clone. hooked up the chocobrownie fraps~! then when we returned, had an interesting one hour rant session on our favorite topic, FNHB. anyhoo had a nice chat about work n junk with los... speaking of work...
i need a job. not just any job though.. i want to sit at home, fold paper, stuff it in an envelope, and get paid for it. seriously, i don't want to be in an environment where i have to put up with people, quotas, bullshit.. i mean, not now at least. all i want is like, $100 a week to support my addictions. beatmania IIDX, redbull, cigarettes. boom., i'm happy. if that stuffing envelopes crap is really legit, let me know. i'll start doing that in an instant. imagine? going to kinko's making a thousand copies of something, pay 10 bucks. buy a thousand envelopes. 15 bucks. do whatever while watching tv. get paid. whee. imagine? if you make the 1600/month they claim you can make, i can buy myself hella shyt.. and not leave the house to face managers n BS like that. then i can finally fix my stupid car.
i will NEVER modify a car beyond coilovers and rims ever again. unless i win the lotto. ^_^ which reminds me, if anyone wants to donate an oil pan gasket for a B16A (or just an oil pan gasket from a '92-'95 del sol SI), i'll gladly take it off your hands. hehehe. i also need a tranny bracket, front motor mount, and a clutch cable. anyway, my friend tom and i were under the car the other day, n he said i might have to redrop my motor cuz my hood isn't closing. MFing anaheim, i swear. potholes suck ass. like, 9 months ago i bottomed out in anaheim and the road hax0red my oil pan. i spilled oil for half a mile before i noticed that thtere was a trail of oil on the street. dammit, i hate investing cash into making a car faster n shyt, then end up breaking it. no more! i'm so not buying toy cars anymore, go to audi's site and check out the S4. i want one. sporty, luxurious, and one ECU override chip will boost the sucker to 350hp. leet. it's either that or a is300, if and only if it's available in 6speed manual next year, cause automatic isn't fun.. gah, 30+grand, i wonder how many envelopes i have to stuff for that. so anyway, either way, whether i do the envelope thing or not, expect me to have some form of income soon. then we get to play "count how many days it takes 'kari to fix her car". i miss the looks on the trendy asian integra owners' faces when i'd take off on them when they'd try to race me. i miss the days they'd get laughed at by their passengers for losing by 5 car lengths to a GIRL in a car that's 10 years older than theirs. *sigh* am i obsessing again? eep.
dude! i'm linked! amazing eh? yah, rooster was kind enough to make a projecthikari banner and linked me up from his page. sweet huh? much thanks to mistare rooster for that and all the kind words of encouragement. ^_^
the past comes to haunt me!
i was going through some stuff in my room and i found a writing assignment i had written my freshman year in high school. back then, i wanted to be a writer. i gave up after sitting down my senior year and realized i can't write worth shit. in case anyone cares, i'm a music education major, but it doesn't matter since i haven't taken a class in about 3 years. anyhoo, i got the short story, n cut & paste it here. knock yourself out. run on sentences galore, just like the site. heh heh.
October 16, 1990. Seemingly, just another autumn afternoon. I ran all the way home from the bus stop. It was just another boring day of seventh grade, but for some reason I couldn't help but to smile. My front door was already open when I got home.
I walked into my room and I started on the day's homework: US History. An essay on democracy. Just as I started to scribble down a few notes, my mother entered with a glass of fruit juice.
"Tanjyoubi omeretto," she says, as she sets the glass onto my desk, with her usual cheery smile.
"Thanks mommy," I reply, sipping at my juice. "what are we having for dinner, i'm hungry," i added.
"Daddy ni kiitara?" she says, as she leaves to go to her bedroom.
My father never came home from work this early, so I bolted out toward the back yard, where my father was sitting in his usual spot, drinking a Bud Light and petting our white german shephers, Puffs. "Hi daddy! Guess what today is?!" I asked excitedly.
"Hmm? I don't know, I think it's a Tuesday," he yawns. "Oh, go get ready. We're going to go for a family dinner tonight," he adds with a smile.
"Really? As a family?" I asked. My father nods, and I take off running for my little brother's room.
After telling my brother to get ready for dinner, I ran to my mother's room, ecstatic for the event. "Mommy! Get ready! Daddy said we're going to dinner!" My mother gave me a wholehearted smile then asked me to help her pick out something to wear. I picked out a white floral print sundress, and five minutes later, we were set to go.
The two of us walked out to the family room hand in hand. "okay daddy, we're ready to go!" I said.
Just then, his half sheepish smile instantaneously turned into a hardened scowl. "What the hell is she doing?" He scolds.
"I thought we were all going as a family," I stammered, tears welling up in my eyes. I knew right then that the night was taking a turn for the worst.
"When I said family, I didn't mean her!" he yelled. At that moment, my mother let go of my hand and nudged me toward the front door.
"Just go, ikinasai," she whispered. I looked up at my mother with disappointment written all over my face.
"Hurry up, let's go. NOW." My father's demand made me shake with fear. I followed him and my brother out the front door into the car, and stared at my mother, standing alone in the doorway as we sped off to the restaraunt.
At the restaraunt, I didn't touch my food. I uttered under my breath, "some dinner this turned out to be.."
"God damn it, it's always about YOU. What the fuck do you want now? You're so fucking selfish! Eat your damn food!" My father yelled. In a way, I guess he was right. I was being selfish to want my way, but then again, all I wanted was, for the whole family to be together for just one meal. ONE.
The waitress must have noticed I wasn't very happy, because she boxed my food and brought me free ice cream. I declined, but she insisted that I take it. I gave it to my brother, and when he was done eating, we left and headed home.
It was an extremely quiet ride home, and one feeling permeated throughout the car the entire time. Tension. Once the car stopped in the driveway, I jumped out and ran into the house, looking for my mother.
Seeing her smile brought my appetite back, and so I set up two plates at the dining table and split my boxed food onto them. Just as we were about to start eating, my father entered the dining room. He raged. "I didn't spend my money for you to fucking give her the God damned food."
With one swift sweep of his hand, my mother's plate flew across the table, onto the floor. Shattered glass went all over the dining room. I couldn't handle the tension, I ran to my room crying, my feet cut by the pieces of glass scattered all over the floor.
I sat in my room removing the 7 pieces of glass from my feet. I must have been crying for two hours, when I heard an unbelievably loud scream, coming from somewhere in the house.
I open the room door and step out into the hallway, only to see blood marks on the walls, trailing to where my mother was hanging six inches off of the ground, held in thin air by her hair like a puppet by its strings. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. My mother's right eye was completely swollen shut. Her left eye was red, the whites of her eyes now red. She was bleeding from her ears, nose, lips, and the roots of her hair. Her once white sundress was stained, soaking with blood. My father looked at me, then flung my mother against the pantry door, as if she was a child's toy.
"Ai chan..911..denwa shite.. onegai..please..." my mother managed to beg. She was coughing up blood at this point and growing very pale. "Kyou..shinitaku nai.." she choked out as her tears mixed with her blood before finally, dripping down from her cheeks onto her forever tainted sundress.
I ran to my room and locked the door. I slowly picked up the telephone and stared at the numbers blankly, as if i had never seen a telephone before. A few seconds pass, and I press 9.... 1....
I don't know why, but I couldn't bring myself to dial the final number for emergency. I held the phone receiver to my forehead and cried at my cowardice until I heard the blaring tones from leaving the phone off the hook too long. I hung up and walked back out of my room.
Each step I took toward the kitchen seemed to get more difficult to make. The closer I got to the kitchen, the more blood I saw. The carpet was drenched with blood by the pantry, where I saw my mother last. I made my way into the kitchen, and looked toward the dining room, where my mother had the cordless phone clutched tightly in her hand.
"Hello? ..no.. everything okay, no help necessary.." she told who I assumed to be the 911 dispatcher. She hung up the phone, as my father pulled her head back by her hair and grabbed a knife. He held it to her throat.
"If you ever pull that shit again, I'll fucking kill you," he boomed. Right then, he must have seen me from the corner f his eye, because he dropped the knife and dragged her into the family room.
I stood there in the kitchen, hitting the back of my head repeatedly against the refridgerator door. Why me? I wondered. Why today? A billion and one thoughts ran through my head when I heard sirens. Then, a loud knock on the front door.
I walked to the door and looked outside. There were four police cars in front of my house, one on my lawn. My neighbors started gathering in the street. I froze. The doorbell rings. More knocks. Someone's voice, saying if I didn't open the door, they'd force entry. As I start to unlock the door and turn the doorknob, the door violently swings open and I see a gun in my face. As three officers rush by me, one knocks me off my feet to the floor, rushing toward the others detaining my father.
I hear one officer reading my father his rights as he is handcuffed. I run and grab onto his leg, crying, "no, you can't take him away!"
The female officer who had knocked me down "accidentally" just moments before, says, "your daddy did something wrong, so he is going to jail for a little while, okay?"
"No! You can't! Not today! Please!" I begged, as an officer pries me off my father's leg and leads him toward the door.
One officer questions my sanity. "What's with her?" I heard. As my father is led out the door, he turns around, looks into my eyes, and says to the officers..
"See her? That's my little girl.. today.. today is her birthday..." .....
Okay that was written in '92. and my writing skills haven't improved since then. sometimes i'm tempted to start up again, but i haven't had the inspiration or motivation to do so. oh that's a 100% true story BTW. there's more stuff too, but the assignment only required 3 pages, so i stopped there. That was the worst day of my life. i remember, after my dad was taken away, all my neighbors like came over to stare at my mom. nobody offered to help her. the idiot cops didn't radio in for paramedics until well after my dad had been taken. my mom went in and out of conciousness about 4 times but she refused to be taken to the hospital. My brother locked himself in his bedroom the entire night, from the moment we'd returned from the restaraunt. i remember we both spent the night at a neighbor's house, and when we got back home the next morning, the entire house was spotlessly clean..
well i guess i'm bringing up some bad history.. i guess i put it up for two reasons. the first is just to show what i'd write, and how horribly i use run-on sentences. the second reason is for a friend of mine, who's been feeling pretty shitty.com, partly because of some family issues. i just wanted to let him know what i've been through, and offer my heart and friendship. i know how crappy it is to be stuck in something like that, n PiChu/Boba/PFR buddy, you know i'll be here to listen. You have the #s to call if you need me. *huggles*
So i guess this concludes this update. once i get a hold of a copy of photoshop i'll have some decent stuff for you people to look at or something. oh btw if you haven't noticed, i do prewrite these 'online diary' entries- it just takes a few days for me to get them up here. i don't get many chances to sit down and dedicate time to the stie like i wished and did before. i guess this explains why the updates are getting more and more lenghthy, huh? oh well. have a fun monday?
September 10, 2000
i had a pretty good saturday- got to go BBQ at a friend's house n had some staek. played a game of IIDX & 4thmix. talked some shyt at nice cafe.. all around, just a pretty eventful day.
i've been having some really bad dreams lately. weird ones. okay, a few nights ago i dreamt that a bunch of us were at ultrazone hanging out like usual. we were all outside because it got pretty crowded inside. anyhoo, everything seemed normal until, all of a sudden, it became really quiet, and WTF, everyone was inside except for two of us. then there were flashes of light and bullets flew everywhere. my friend jumps and hides behind a machine that happened to be outside, i turned toward the street and saw this ghettomobile with these guys inside, pulling a driveby on the shop. windows shatteres, then i got hit, twice. once on my left shoulder, once on my right knee. i woke up a few seconds later and i was in serious physical pain. my left shoulder and my right leg felt super fawked. i started to cry like there was no tomorrow, n didn't stop for about an hour. talk about weird huh? so anyway i told Matt about that nitemare earlier, and i don't know if he felt the same way, but i felt really insecure there at ultrazone all night! anyway i thought i'd just share that and this quote..
September 9, 2000
some people have been asking why i've decided to put up a site. well- with no job and nothing to do all day, i need something to keep myself busy. so i figured i'd learn something.. be constructive. i'm still struggling with frames, about to give up actually. i'm having a lot of trouble with graphics. i can't seem to make a banner. i can't seem to make an animated gif. i can't seem to make a decent looking series of pictures for my grading scale (for the reviews section). i can't even make a simple button. i've been spending a lot of time on this thing, not necessarily on what you see now, but hopefully for what you'll see in the coming months. for all three of you that come visit the site, thanks for being so patient with me, i really appreciate it. ^_^
tumbling deep into the rabbithole..
i've gotten about 10 hours of sleep in the last 4 days. recently everything has just been super bad and i don't know why. it's killing me inside. most of the time i feel okay when i'm with my friends, but i know i'm not very good at hiding my feelings, so it shows when i'm sad or whatever. i hate to see my friends being constantly worried about me, when at times i really don't mind being alone to sort out my thoughts and feelings. i don't know what i'm feeling though. it just feels like my heart is breaking and i can't stop it. i'd sit there and i'd WANT to cry. but i'm so sad that it's past the point of tears.. i don't know if anyone could ever understand that feeling.. it's like, the feeling when you wake up from a really horrible nightmare. the one moment when you're not sure if you're dreaming or if you're awake.. and you're really confused, scared, anxious... and all the feelings inside you.. all of your emotions seem to come together for one split second and you feel like you're going to die of shock or something. okay maybe i'm trippin.. maybe i need to see a doctor or something.. but for now i think i'll just go outside and stare at the stars..
September 8, 2000
yeah this is long overdue. time to rant.
i've learned a lesson in friendship. you know how sometimes you meet someone and you talk, and it seems like you've known that person forever.. so that person seems to be trustworthy? well.. i've learned NOT to trust a person so quickly and easily just because of that. I mean.. i know that even friendships that have a history can end up shitty. but friendships do build up with time, not just because "ooh, she seems cool n shyt, maybe i can trust her.." uh.. BZZZZZ. wrong.
about three months ago i met christine at some mini ddr gathering. honestly my first impression was "damn, she's pretty annoying.. i wish she would stop touching me." she kept like poking me and grabbing my arm n leaning on my shoulder n shit. hella annoying. but anyhoo, i saw her again the next day at my local 'bemani studio' you could say. so she comes by and initiates conversation. we start smalltalking i guess. and she mentions that she knows my good friend darren. any friend of ren's is a friend of mine, so anyway everything seemed to be going okay. i've started noticing that this girl really loves to talk. nonstop. it's hard to get a word in when she's yapping off, about who she knows that plays DDR, who she thinks is hot, etc etc etc. like a week later i saw her again, & i was in a crappy mood. she asked what was wrong, so i spilled my guts. family problems, pending relocation, ulcers, car, everything. even when i was looking for advice, she'd jump in with her own stories about her problems n shyt. uhm.. hello i'm looking for advice, not a "who has a shittier life" contest. but then i thought to myself, maybe that's the way she tries to help people feel better. well later i found that's just one of her cries for attention. oh well.
so i thought she was cool to hang out with, and i got o talking to ren one day, n i asked him if he'd known christine for long. turns out he'd only met her ONCE, through his ex girlfriend Marian. i was under the impression that he'd known her for a while, the way she was talking about him. turns out she was flirting with him the one day she met him, and he didn't like it too much. heh.
anyway darren warned me about her.. his ex told him to tell me that i should be really careful around christine because "she's weird- she'll buy your friendship- then when it's convenient for her, she'll diss you out and backstab you" ..or something. i should've listened.
whenever i saw her, she'd want to go out, or go eat, or go raving. usually i wouldn't have enough cash flow to go eat at them cafes like she would want to. and she'd be like "oh that's okay, i'll treat." and i'd either decline, or i'd tell her that i'll get hers the next time out. well, one day we were at a cafe when she starts bitching about my friends, saying that TCL uses her for money and food n stuff. i told her that it's her own fault for offering, and they aren't using her if she offers, then insists even.. if she gets a decline. That whole *TCL USES ME* routine became her daily topic. it got old real quick, trust me.. and i soon started to wonder what kind of shit she's making up about me. i'd find out soon enough.
one day i was just chillin' in a irc channel, and she asks me if i want to go to UCLA with her. I was like.. NO.. #1 i don't like UCLA. why? i like USC. i'd still like to end up there someday. #2 what the hell am i going to do there?.. she said she needed to go get the results of her tuberculosis test and she needed me to go with her so i can drive around the parking lot for her so she doesn't have to pay for parking. i was like.. WTF? who's using who now? anyway i had gotten no sleep whatsoever the night before, so i told her no. she starts ranting, saying "HMPH, LAST TIME I ASK YOU FOR A FAVOR." n i go.. "GOOD!" but then she's like.. "no, really.. please? i'll buy you lunch and i'll pay you $20" ..so i asked her if she's trying to bribe me to go with her instead of sleeping. she said yeah. so i decided what the hell, i'll go.
Then there was the magic mountain trip. talk about irking. within 3 minutes of entering the parking lot, she was already irritable. i was intent on having fun, and i did. let's see.. first she kicks and bruises my friend's leg. then it's whining about one thing or another. then she's tired and she wants to lean on someone. ugh. the someone ended up being ME..because based on how everyone else looked at the idea of her leaning on them, i decided i'll be nice and sacrifice my shoulder. ain't i sweet? ..as if that wasn't enough, she starts whining to me about being bipolar. and how she wanted to hold my purse. i said no the first 10 times she asked if she could hold my purse. until she was like "PLEASE, LET ME HOLD YOUR PURSE HIKARI!" damn, uhh alright already. i gave her my purse, and she was instantly happy. WTF. talk about fucking weird. so okay i guess that about covers the magic mountain trip.. except for when i was telling her to drive more carefully on the way back and she got all pissed off.. well SORRY i feared for my life.. shyt.
so anyway one day i posted a message on a local bulletin board about "shitty friends".. and she assumed it was about her. it wasn't. but it might as well have been. she emails me saying that i'm such a bitch and that "i'm nothing but a TCL bitch now." i remember the email saying "some friend you are, who's being the bitch now?" uhh.. YOU ARE dumbass.. hello, talk about making assumptions. she said something about me using her, and being shitty to her one day. UHM.. SHE'S the one that bribed ME. and dude, everyone has bad days.. and it's her fault if she's going to push my buttons and i get upset.. i mean can you imagine someone coming up to you and leaning on you? or just constantly grabbing your arm? WTF. i kept telling her to stop, n then i was like.. ok fine go away kinda deal.. so whatever, anyway she was pulling the same shit on me, that she was pulling to TCL earlier. i started to distance myself from her, kicking myself in the ass for not listening to ren and marian. then again, i like to find out how people are firsthand, everyone deserves a chance right? next time i just won't trust too quickly..
so i was pretty successful in avoiding her for a while, n when she left for school, i was pretty damn happy. finally, my life is drama-free (with the exception of the ongoing drama in my house, bah!).. anyway last thursday i get on #ddr on irc, and everyone seemed to be on. n said hi to me. including her. so i gave a general "hello" instead of going about it individually like i'd usually do. i get a query from her, with "i know you hate me now." well duh. "i said hi to you, it would be nice if you said hi." uh..i did. moron. then she goes off about me talking shit about her behind her back. i told her that everything i have to say about her to anyone, i told her to her face already. of course she could not deny it.. because she knows that we've had many discussions about the way she is. UNLIKE her. she went and mouthed off to marian about some crap.. bout me being a TCL groupie. UHM I AM TCL. HAR HAR FOR YUO. don't hate me cuz we don't want you. Then. about me being a raver and E, Acid, Tweek, blah blah drug addict. WTF? HELL NO I AINT NO CANDY ASS RAVER! um i'm SO anti-drugs.. where the hell does she dig up this crap? and she expected me not to find out? knowing that marian is ren's ex? knowing ren's one of my best friends? pfft-! there's more shit, but i won't say anything, to avoid publically humiliating a few people that it may affect, including myself. anyway.. i told her she was full of shyt, that being bipolar is no excuse for treating people like crap, and sending emails accusing people of shyt. she says that it's her insecurity and low self esteem. low self esteem? for a person that talks about herself in the third person half the time, i found that excuse pretty humorous. about five minutes of silence, then she says, "are we still friends?" WTF? get the message, take a hint! GO AWAY! anyway i didn't see it right away i guess, cuz the next message said "What the hell is wrong with you people? all of you! chango, you, randal, crack, leo, everyone! i leave so cal for 3 weeks and THIS happens?" i was like.. "uhh don't flatter yourself, fnhb, so cal does NOT revolve around YEW. plus chango and randal were having a bad day as it was WITHOUT her presence buggin'. then more shit. "i email you ppl and i get no responses from any of you. what kind of friends are you? you guys all suck!" well shit lady, if there's like 10 of us you're complaining about, maybe it's YOU that needs to do the changing. DUH! so anyway that was pretty much the end of it.. and all i can say is GOOD RIDDANCE! heh.
so yeah, the lesson was learned- i won't trust so easily- i mean there's much more.. she's caused a lot of drama and grief between my friends and me. in a way i guess this experience was good because i know that my true friends care about my well being and everything. IRV, REN, I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS! ^_^
and as far as TCL BITCH is concerned, allow me to activate TCL BITCHMODE. Christine, aka SKUR aka FNHB.. if you're reading this shyt, you BETTER know exactly where you stand with me. i don't really care much about you pulling your bullshit stories, lies, and moodswings on me. but if you EVER pull this crap on ANYONE i care about.. ren, irv, TCL, leo, norcal, pfft- ANYONE.. i swear you'll be sorry. grr.. go rot at your candy ass rave. thenx.
umm.. oooookay. should i make a section for "people to kill"? ....i wasn't serious about that, really.. anyway on a lighter note, i have a new section in the works- reviews. yup. general reviews.. movie reviews, book reviews, website reviews, album reviews, restaraunt reviews, whatever. so the first review should be special right? it is. actually i won't call it much of a REVIEW because i want you to check it out for yourself without me giving everything away. so i'll call it a recommendation. So here it is, the first ever projecthikari website recommendation/review deal.
keep in mind that this is a recommendation. i don't have a graphics for my grading scale ready so you get to read more text. =)
Okay, i told you this one is special, right? randal's house is a personal website that gives the internet world a glimpse into the webmaster's life. don't expect to read a bunch of pretty happy stories. for that crap, go to disney.com or something. randal shares his views on everything he experiences.. his thoughts, feelings, dreams.. regular updates keep this site on top of my bookmark list.. and has become one of my favorite sites ever.
on a side note, randal's site has come a long way.. he'll be getting his own domain VERY soon.. so be sure to bookmark www.randalshouse.com as well as the first one.
if you want to talk about design, it's a really clean cut site without clutter, without mess. everything seems to know its place, and that's kind of like.. randal. he never stops impressing me with his insight.. sometimes his updates make me smile, sometimes they make me cry (for real).. his site offers nothing to you but honest emotions and truly tells you shyt like it is. and in a society full of fake shitty people, this is a site the world needs to see...
(if this were a review review.. it would get a 5 rating. i seriously like this site.. not because i consider randal a great friend, but because of the content.. because in this world, sometimes i need someone like randal to pretty much help me see the reality- that this world sucks ass.. and is also beautiful.. all at the same time..)
September 5, 2000
I finally have some sections working.. Only ones that DON'T work are downloads, profiles, and links. hehe.. Other than that, not much has changed.
September 2, 2000
Happy Labor Day weekend..... or something. Anyway i added a Msg board.. post! Hopefully we use this thing, i know this page sucks so far but hey. =) Andy Carey Matt Everyone! =)
.archives main page. .september 2000. .august 2000.